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Silhuetado contra o horizonte sinovial, um bodhisatva em um tanque de guerra tentava abrir a tiros de canhão seu caminho para o nirvana, mas seu carma era desintegrado por uma reação adversa ao hormônio bovino que vinha injetando - em lenta procissão marchavam as almas frementes.
Você buscava reencontrar a simplicidade pastoril nos arsenais nucleares soviéticos. Eu freqüentava um bordel oficializado pelo ministério estadual da filosofia como Território Moralmente Neutro (lia-se na placa de entrada). Eu buscava, assim, uma vida de solidão e libertinagem; uma vida completa. Você tinha um piercing no cérebro; eu tinha restaurado o meu espírito competitivo na velhice através do tai chi chuan. E, apesar de tudo, não eram as minhas glândulas mamárias que você invejava?

Clic – o silêncio reticente do seu dachshund me faz regredir à substância primeva da existência; ao primeiro string binário gravado na memória do pool genético humano. Que agradável surpresa não tive quando descobri que esta misteriosa essência universal em que me transformara era, fundamentalmente, um apetitivo nacho. “Nunca antes a autofagia foi tão satisfatória”, disse a mim mesmo; minha consciência, uma bolha de nacho flutuando além do espaço-tempo, numa sopa quântica de entropia quasi-dimensional. “Eu sou o Deus Nacho, e não há nacho que não possa fazer”, pensei; emocionado; na linguagem do nacho.
Extasiado, me consumi até a completa extinção.
Infinitas reencarnações adviriam; infinitas vezes desvaneceria o universo, até que o Eterno Retorno me trouxesse de volta à minha cidade natal; à minha pequena, confortável e querida rotina nanométrica. Foi essa época que adquiri obesidade mórbida e minha pele aderiu ao sofá, de onde tive que ser removido cirurgicamente (após ser rebocado por um guindaste até o hospital). Quando acordei da anestesia - mens insana e meu corpo alquebrado -, o cirurgião responsável presenteou-me com esse estranho chapéu; esse chapéu que, explicou, havia confeccionado a partir da minha epiderme excedente raspada do sofá. “Obrigado, doutor”. “Agora, durma, meu amigo. É a única chance que os bolos têm de sobreviver. Mas, me diga, por que não tenta praticar algum esporte? Além da deglutição, digo. Você realmente precisa de um esporte pesado... algo como, levantamento de si mesmo. Hehe”, tosse. “Deus sabe que Malthus concordaria comigo. Veria em você algum tipo de arqui-inimigo. Que merda de programa é esse?”. Irritado, tentou mudar o canal do cardiograma. “Bem. Divirta-se com essa grande e esfuziante festa que é o pós-cirúrgico; todo um mundo mágico, e me chame se sentir algo errado como conforto. Enfermeira, onde guardei os meus instrumentos? Não esse instrumento, sua cadela impudente. Hmmm... sua selvagenzinha insaciável do ramo hospitalar...”.

Caminhamos cegos com o meu padrasto constituído de metal líquido, sobre o ergométrico mar de icterícia; sobre os corpos eviscerados das cheerleaders. A dor original de existir tinha, sobre nós, inviolável e beatífica ação protetora contra raios ultra-violeta – uma força mística clinicamente testada. E, sob a chuva de fogo, fomos parcialmente desnatados até a morte.
O dia amanhece, diluído em serena reiteração recursiva. O calor residual é apagado pelo fluxo branco; folhas secas de outono, o ar frio da manhã. Matrizes de memória vestigial – mostram crianças, em jardins, filmadas por satélites – alimentadas em frames, então sedadas. Induzem sentimento de conforto familiar. Sorriso acalentador – em outdoors –; corrompidos pela inundação de sódio pentotal – a informação é agora inacessível, ou a informação é adulterada. O terno som de amantes fibrilado em cadeias saturadas de inconsistência.
[Lembra quando voltávamos juntos da escola? Não temíamos então a vida.]
Clic – a cerimônia fúnebre da minha adenóide (1982-†2007 - r.i.p.) acelerou ao transfinito incomputável nosso processo de autopromoção. Julguei descortês sua avó ter instalado uma bomba termobárica no meu carro, quando saíamos; apenas por isso a atropelei, e apenas por isso devorei suas entranhas espalhadas pelo asfalto. Por favor, me desculpe. Lembre dos bons momentos. Quantos cardinais não-enumeráveis não criamos, usando o método da diagonalização de Cantor, à luz da lua em Copacabana? Um grupo de vítimas da peste bubônica (a peste negra) nadava no mar, em nossa direção, vindos da África. “Se incomodam se nós salivarmos sobre vocês?”, perguntou um deles (lembra?) “Oh. Não, claro que não”, disse eu, sorrindo. “Tudo bem, Tereza?”. Você concordou, simpaticamente. Àquela noite, minha banda de industrial folk – “Morse Warriors” – abriria o show do Can. Nossa canção de trabalho, “Você é meu alfa-adrenoreceptor favorito", composta para o meu filho, era cantada em código morse - como as demais do nosso repertório – com oboés e violão folk ao fundo, culminando numa dodecafonia industrial e guinchos estridentes impostados por um porco que queimamos vivo no palco, com um maçarico. A letra era uma analogia entre o nosso amor filial-paternal e o bloqueio dos efeitos atinociceptivos do N2O quando alfa-adrenoreceptores antagonistas são injetados na medula espinhal, mas não diretamente no cérebro. Foi quando conheci Júlia; ela é a jovem espécime fêmea do homo sapiens que está copulando comigo no palco enquanto o porco ainda guincha histérico em carne viva – e então, nos casamos. De qualquer modo, isso foi depois; aquela noite voltei sozinho para casa.
Eu gostava de voltar para casa no banco de trás, meu cérebro confortavelmente dementificado, anulado pelas partituras atonais de semáforos e postes e vitrines; um gosto que compartilhava com Tereza. O asilar-se de si mesmo; toda a minha pose boa-praça de dissociação auto-induzida; de lobotomia recreativa. Essas quantas estranhas guaridas que o mundo ora não ora sim nos oferece para conservar, tão criogenicamente, nossa identidade, esse fardo de repelência não turing-computável. Nossos pequenos qualia; nossos simpáticos memes. Um mapeamento um-a-um conectando o catodismo incoerente da cidade à estupidez transfinita de nossas cabecilhas gloriosamente entaladas em saliva genocida hidrofóbica. Qualium por qualium, a cidade deleta sua mente estrogonófica; fuzível por fuzível, você é desligado. Tereza se babava nisso.
De qualquer forma, aquela noite voltei a pé. Hordas de pequenos consultores empresariais e acessoristas de imprensa – não mais que 15cm – me perseguiam, sorrateiramente, pelas esquinas escuras e frias; sob a asma brônquica dos postes de luz.
Eu pensava sobre a vulnerabilidade das áreas cinza; eu pensava sobre o confuso território da razoabilidade. “O que distingue a analiticidade da fraqueza?”, pensava; meus passos no asfalto gelado eram o único som na rua deserta. “Qual o limite entre as duas coisas? Era Hamlet razoável? Ou apenas fraco?. Era Popeye forte, ou apenas irrazoável, contrapositivamente?”.
“Qual o propósito da incerteza num mundo sem verdades?”.
“A vida não é sobre verdade. A vida”, pensei, “é sobre sobrevivência. E a incerteza é, em sua covardia, uma estratégia anti-sobrevivência. Sim, agora percebo que John Wayne estava certo. Como John Wayne, devemos ver em preto e branco. Preto sendo aquilo que você espanca, e branco, aquilo que você permite sobreviver - conotações raciais à parte, e referindo-me aqui, strictu sensu, ao âmbito moral/epistemológico. Kant argumenta que a razão nos obriga à responsabilidade. Ora, eliminando como John Wayne a razão, cortamos o mal pela raiz. Eliminando como John Wayne a razão – a inútil e debilitante busca por um delírio de verdade – em favor da sobrevivência; da força e da liberdade; da identidade, nos tornamos bestas onipotentes, correndo como leões na savana. Fornicando e abatendo. Devorando e sendo devorados à margem da incerteza e da confusão”, pensei, entrando num beco para despistar os pequenos consultores empresariais e os pequenos acessoristas de imprensa.

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